My Holidays In Prison

On a recent visit to my family home, I sat down with my 'lil' bro'. He was just about to embark on the journey known as 'homework'. Both internally and externally I thought, 'excellent, i can help here, i can give 'lil bro' my wisdoms and learnings, share some worldly and local knowledges, shed light upon matters, get to the heart of things and uncover all the mysteries'. It also brought me back to my own school days, one day in particular, the day I handed up an essay about my exploits as a stout drinkin' tractor drivin' man of the countryside. After the essay was corrected, I was called out to the main office and asked if i really drove a tractor and drank stout. I replied "no sir, its just a story". I wondered to myself - 'are you not allowed make things up in essays?' Although the answer at the time was a definite NO, I still fight the fight of the oppressed young man at school who feels the need to write the untrue, for all to hear!! In saying that, Little brother junior didn't seem to care, and even though I wrote the following for him, he said 'thanks, but no thanks, i don't think my English teacher would like that....'

The title of my little brothers essay for homework was 'my first 3 days in prison'. Here is my version, writing as a 16 year old manboy.

My Holidays In Prison

The realisation that i killed an entire family with a knife and fork doesnt fully register with me.

Day One

I cant bring my dog Eric to prison. They told me it was against the rules, and I have to obey the rules. I told them I play by no-one's rules but my own. Then they beat me. Lousy on me. I'm innocent I tell hem. Why cant I have my dog when I'm innocent? They tell me to shut up. They say 'Jimmy, you better shut your trap or else we'll shut it for you'. I say 'ok', then I ask them for permission to bring my dog. They give me the look. I give them the look. We are exchanging looks, I feel I am winning them over, until they they start beating me again.

Day Two

'Boy you better get me some cigarettes' - I say to one of the inmates. He doesn't even look at me. He just tells his be-atch 'hey be-atch, beat new boy.' Be-atch then beats me. Ouch. I'm beginning to feel like maybe I shouldn't have killed that family. Maybe its normal for a family to break into someone's holiday caravan and try to burn it down while the owner - me- is fast asleep in bed. Anyway, I killed them and here I am now, getting the sweet beat downs from the prison guards and be-atch. Such is prison. I'm looking forward to a nice shower tomorrow.

Day Three

I must say, a nice shower really gets a man feeling positive about the day. All clean, like a clean machine. There was really nice shower gel. I have to say, I was expecting soap as that's what they always use in the prison movies. I kinda like prison now. Cant wait for dinner, I hear they make a mean pepper steak on Wednesdays.

Bye bye diary

See you tomorrow.

xxx

Jimmy

(if anyone has been affected by the above story, please contact the helpline for enquiries)

Cellulite is Psychological

"Ppffffffffffffff, easy for you to say, what do you know about the sufferings of millions of women around the world who have to wake up with, spend the day with and then go to sleep with the PROC (physical reality of cellulite). Well my dears, some of my best friends claim to be sufferers, and have seen pictures of 'C' in magazines...so I know your 'pain'.

The above images might lead you to believe that cellulite is not psychological, and that it is in fact, purely physical. This however is untrue, according to new scientific research.

Just outside Geneva, there is a science project taking place. The science team have many Bunsen Burners and 1 Large Hadron Collider. The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is the world's largest and highest-energy particle accelerator, a synchrotron intended to collide opposing particle beams of either protons at an energy of 7 trillion electronvolts (1.12 microjoules) per particle, or lead nuclei at an energy of 574 TeV (92.0 µJ) per nucleus. The LHC can find Black Holes (in the universe) (BH(itu)).

While Top Scientific (TS) were carrying out their daily researches with the LHC (very big hadronic collider), one team member stumbled upon new findings which led him to the discovery that cellulite was in fact all in the mind. He stated in a press interview recently in Vienna while sipping on a nice glass of fanta...."what a relief this is for womankind, there we were looking for black holes, and what do we discover - we discover holes alright, holes in the theories of all the previous sciencers who claimed for hundreds of years that women would just have to 'live' with cellulite as it was a real thing. "Sure they can just buy some creams and rub cinnamon leaves on their skin, eat more yoghurt and massage with stones on a more regular basis" was the attitude. Well not any more, now we can all just relax, and let science work its magic, no more cellulite, no more suffering in silence"

Dr. Hermanhausen (BA Hons. hetac level 2) wasnt available for questions at the press conference, but was overheard saying to someone later in the lobby of the 3 star hotel, 'just because the human eye can see it, it doesnt make it real'. He then finished his fanta.

Global Mysticism

Global Mysticism

“The good news is, its here.

The good-erer news is, its here to stay.”

This was the latest headline on 168 hr news, Cappamore’s latest news channel that are so PC, they don’t like to discriminate against the days of the week, and have opted for weekly news as opposed to daily news – which at the end of the day/week, is the exact same thing – tho in the minds of some, it is a giant conceptual leap in the way we view time, and have favourite days, and non favourite days?

International correspondent Derek Greenwood from C168 has the following report…..

“Global mysticism seems to have come to life in the last 2 weeks in all parts of the western world, including Portugal. The movement has been underground for a number of years, but a recent comment from Stephen Fry on twitter has brought the movement to the forefront of societal thinkings frameworks.

So who are they, and what do they want?

“The global mystic (GM) is one who has a world view when it comes to worldly matters. They are usually identifiable by the headscarf they will be probably be wearing or by the yoga move they will be doing by the water cooler – not that they need to stretch, but that they need you to know that they know worldly topics are important – which is demonstrated through the movements of yoga, and meaningful looks with glazed eyes into the distance. If he or she is having a Starbucks, he/she will be aware that someone had to work hard to create the beans somewhere. They begrudgingly enjoy the odd McDonalds but mostly in private. They wouldn’t go so far as to eat their own sandals on a regular basis, but when pressed a little with the question –“if you were stuck on a desert island with no food, would you prefer to eat your own sandals or rocks?”, Jane summers, a recently declared GM, answered that she would then eat her own sandals – so you could say that they eat their own sandals, but only in certain situations.

Jane Summers, an optimistic book binder and cabinet maker, went on to say….”GM’s are concerned with globality in a mystical way. Our ideas about spirituality may seem vague but we like the general vibe of things. Sometimes wearing a nice flowing dress can put the soul at ease and balance out the chi of the world. While we have no specific beliefs on any thing in particular, we do like to chew our food a lot before swallowing and drink a lot of water, at least 2 litres a day. Tie dye is not outlawed but its not encouraged for the modern day GM, as it can hurt peoples eyes, and we don’t want to hurt peoples eyes, that not what we are about”

Donations can ne made on a regular basis.

Derek Greenwood

C168